Hard to begin

I’m back!

After all those silent days, I’m finally back on track with my blog. I just felt like I didn’t have anything to say, nothing interesting happened. But sadly, next week school starts again, and I’m proud to announce that this semester is the LAST semester for me! I would be extremely happy about it if I hadn’t got a thesis to write 🙂

Which of course the title refers to as I’ve been unable to start it. I’m so confused with the literature, I don’t have a clue how to analyse the examples I’ve collected and I’m really afraid that I cannot do a good job with it. What if I look over something really important? What if I write stupid and obvious things?

Each day I’m getting up with the decision that I’m going to start my thesis today. I mean, writing it, because reading the literature has been my past time for two months now. I hope I will be able to do it.

So I’m starting now. Or, five minutes from now :)))

Sad day

My dog died today. Last night he escaped and got into a fight with other dogs. In the morning we called the vet but he couldn’t help him.

I will really miss this naugthy dog as he was my only companion for days when I was alone at home. He was always there to cheer me up, wagging his tail, happy to see me. I hope he had a great time with us, I really do.

Cheerful quote

Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself… ‘How did I get through all of that?

A bit depressed Thursday

I didn’t have a very good day today. To be honest, this week wasn’t much fun. We are facing a little bit of a family problem (this is an understatement) and though we are the least concerned about it, it is still very unsettling just to know about it. I would like to write down everything that bothers me but that won’t be a fair thing to my family. Let it be enough that this thing made my whole week miserable and, on top of everything, my illness came back and with it, pain. Not much but this illness couldn’t have come at a worse period.

These two things, the family thing and my illness are the only thoughts I have. I cannot think of anything else. If my hands are busy but my mind is free, I visualise the worst outcome. I want to get rid of these thoughts because there is nothing I can do in either matter. For my illness, I take the medicines. For the family thing, I can do nothing. It is good when I can share my bitter thoughts with someone, mostly with my future mother-in-law, we both feel better but still no solution.

And there is one fear I try to keep to myself. It has started to eat me up but I know I have to find someone to confide in otherwise I’m going mad. Sadly, my boyfriend is out of the question because he cannot understand this and I’m even afraid to put it into words.

I know that probably I will feel myself better tomorrow but these fears won’t go away easily. But I’m tough, I will get rid of you, poisonous thoughts…

 

No going back

Scientists have achieved a lot of things that seemed impossible for ages like finding the medication for diseases, finding out many things about the universe, inventing all sorts of horrible and amazing things like the atomic bomb or the telephone. But there is one question I’m sure no one will ever find the answer to: What could have happened if …?

This is such a curious thing, a lot of books and movies deal with the question, mostly in the framework of time-travelling. What if I had chosen not to marry? What if I had chosen to have a child? What if I had made the other decision? These are questions in our life we will never ever know the answer to. We would like to, very much even. We like to think that our life is bad because we made the wrong decision in the past and if we had chosen the other option, we would be happier.

This is regret. Regretting how we formed our life and the decisions we made but if we think back those decisions seemed right at that moment. Maybe there is no other option, no alternative reality where we live the life we wanted to. We made our decisions because we did not think only of ourself, we considered others’ happiness as well.

It is fun toying with the idea what could have happened but we have to accept that this image of ourself in an alternative life is only an image. So before you start to regret the life you never had, make sure you realise that with your decision you changed your life for the better, otherwise you will always live in an imaginary world where regret, bitterness and sadness will be your only companions.